Everything and Nothing
by silversurf4
Summary: Did you ever realize that you knew nothing? - Crews & Reese following the Season Two Finale "One" Quotes from other authors attributed to source - I own nothing - Finished. Chapter Three is the end of this tale, but really a beginning...
1. Chapter 1 Nothing

**Everything and Nothing….**

**Reese POV**

_The stream of thinking has enormous momentum that can easily drag you along with it. Every thought pretends that it matters so much. It wants to draw your attention in completely. A moment of danger can bring about a temporary cessation of the stream of thinking and thus give you a taste of what it means to be present, alert, aware. – Eckhart Tolle._

Did you ever realize that you knew nothing?

You always imagine big stuff like this occurs somewhere profound and meaningful, but for me this epiphany, this sudden moment when I realized I did not know who I was, where I came from or where I was going...and that I was okay with that - came in of all places an orange grove. Crews and his god damned fruit.

I used to think I knew something, not everything, but some things….at least myself and where my life was going. That was until the day I met Detective Charlie Crews over the body of a murdered child, under an overpass, in the hot LA sun. He stood staring into the sun – still - like there was some cosmic answer there. It was a look I never forgot and one I that would see again.

I had an eventful life: a fractured childhood (from which I barely escaped); an unusual adventure at the LA Police Academy (which I attended for reasons I really can't entirely explain) and then an undercover assignment that reintroduced me to the darkness I thought I escaped when I left my father's house. When I came up for air, there was all the starting over and the recriminations, the glares and stares and dirty back room talk about how I got where I got to and how much it had to do with being Jack Reese's daughter. Like that was some prize, like I'd won sort of contest there and here I was thinking just surviving was enough. I was really beginning again when I met Crews – he was beginning again too.

No big deal I thought, I always danced with darkness and I was friendly with demons, or so I thought. Very little scares me, but Roman Nevikov looked at me like a voracious animal does a fresh piece of meat and it had nothing to do with sex. He scared me and Crews knew it. But more than that when Nevikov burrowed under my skin that first day in the interrogation suite, Crews became enraged and unnerved by it to. He became defensive so fast it surprised us both, though we never spoke of it, slamming his palm onto the table, so hard I felt it jar my bones. He demanded, no…willed Roman focus on him. It wasn't the first time, nor the last, Crews put himself between me and danger, but it was the one I most noticed and was the most grateful for. It was then that I began to appreciate what it would be like to have Crews' full attention.

It would be sometime before I realized that his attention was what I wanted or needed, but that glimpse was enough to make me aware that the man was powerful without having to be cruel or mean and it…no he…made me feel safe for the first time in a long time. Being partnered with Crews gave me the safety to try new things, like a relationship not based on drugs or alcohol with Tidwell and taking the Lieutenant's Exam. But in the end, I never needed to go anywhere else or be with anyone else, I just couldn't see it yet.

Let me explain, if I can…. I think it all started that day under the overpass, or maybe it all started when I was twelve years old and my dad first began taking money from the Bank of LA shootout, or maybe it started the day they locked Charlie Crews up for a crime he didn't commit or the day he got out and came back to work as my partner in LAPD. Time is cyclical – the only real thing we have is the now. Jesus, I sound like Crews… I hate when that happens.

A lot of things happened between then and now, but the day I was kidnapped by Roman Nevikov has to have been the scariest moment of my life. This was a man who Crews and I had arrested twice, first for throwing Lena out a window and secondly for killing Pavel and keeping twenty others in a dungeon under his club. Yet here he was in the flesh grinning in his slinky white gym clothes like some bad dream. Sitting chained in the basement of some warehouse surrounded by Nevikov's cronies, playing cards, drinking and chain smoking for hours, I had a lot of time to think. I knew LAPD wouldn't come to my rescue and Tidwell, he couldn't – he'd want to - but he wasn't capable.

To get away from a monster, someone like Roman Nevikov, you need someone equally driven, fierce, relentless and unbreakable. I knew only one man fitting that description. One man who would willingly place himself between Roman and me. He was my partner, or at least he was until I decided to leave him for a chance at the gold ring with this FBI Task Force. When I stepped out of that Escalade I knew he'd be there, but I couldn't help but be relieved…and still impressed. He stood there dressed in blue suit, with a pale blue shirt matching his eyes, looking like a sliver of the Pacific Ocean right there in that god damned giant orange grove.

I don't like people to touch me and I'm not the kind of person who feels they always have to paw other people. You know the sort, always grabbing your shoulder, slapping you on the back or throwing their arm around you. It always struck me as false or unnecessary, but now I know it was my way of keeping people at arm's length. It did not surprise me that Crews reached out to me. What rocked me to the core - was my powerful need to connect to him, to touch him, to feel that he was really here. I reached out to him in every way I knew with my voice, my hands, and my eyes. I had to. Roman's warning cut off our initial attempt, but I slowed up just enough to reach back to find his hand for only a brief moment and you have no idea how much I needed him. I had no idea how much.

The entire time they were stripping Crews of all the vestiges of the job, tossing away his handcuffs, taking his gun and discarding the shield he'd worked and suffered so long to get, Crews eyes stayed on mine. I could feel his strength and under it something else in that long gaze. I couldn't take my eyes off his.

As they drove away, I was still in shock, as Bodner told me Crews had no plan beyond getting me out of that SUV. I was angry, but I also knew that Crews cared for me in a way no one else ever had …and no one else ever would. I had no real time to appreciate the things Roman would do to him, but I had all the time I needed to fear them. The longest five minutes of my life occurred in the space between Crews climbing into Roman's Escalade and him phoning Bodner to pick him back up.

In the space of that time, I realized something about myself and something about Charlie Crews; I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. A future without him was not something I wanted to contemplate - it left a big hole in my heart – which is not where I expected to find Crews - in my heart.

You'd think learning that you knew nothing would be troubling, but it was actually fairly liberating. Like a great weight was lifted from my future, my fears and hopes and dreams broke away in one look from the most unlikely of people.

This time Crews was again standing in the sunshine staring up at the sun like it held some magical answer. Nothing Crews does ceases to amaze me anymore. I think technically they refer to it as suspended disbelief, but I believe it is just Crews. There is no one anywhere quite like him, he's almost a force of nature.

I also realized what it means to love and be loved in return, to put another before yourself, even if it meant sacrificing your goals, things you'd planned twelve years to find out and even your life. Crews did all that for me. I sat there stunned and in that moment when I realized I knew nothing – it gave me everything in an instant -, everything in a single look from him slaked a thirst I didn't know I had until Crews awoke it in me.

It's been a couple years from there to here, but it seems like longer…and shorter. I suppose when the distance is traveled in your head and your heart distance is really meaningless anyway.

**Crews POV**

_What will be left of all the fearing and wanting associated with your problematic life situation that every day takes upmost of your attention? _

_A dash – one or two inches long, between the date of birth and date of death on your gravestone. _

_To the self, this is a depressing thought. To you, it is liberating. ---Eckhart Tolle_

When I was young I thought I knew everything. I was so proud of being a cop, so blissful in my marriage to both Jen and the job. When I went to prison I learned I knew nothing and nothing that I took for granted was real…not the faith of my friends or fellow policemen, not the trust of my wife and no justice for this innocent man.

Prison educated me - painfully, but effectively. When I got out of prison, I had studied and prepared. I studied the Zen way and while I was no master, I was Zen-ish. Again thought I knew everything, but I learned once again how little I knew the day they took Reese - I learned once again that I knew absolutely nothing.

They took her away because of me, to get to me. She was connected to me and that made her a target. "Get her back" Tidwell demanded. My response was that I had "nothing better to do today", but the truth was nothing else mattered. Nothing existed beyond finding her and getting her away from Roman Nevikov. No price, no sacrifice was too great. I needed a bigger gun….and a peaceful soul…but I'd rather have the gun right now.

When Roman's men pulled her from that big white SUV I could see the tiredness behind her eyes and the stiffness in her movements. They had hurt her and for that he would pay. I wanted her to know she was safe, but the way she spoke my name made my heart ache. She whispered it like a prayer "Crews" and all I could think to tell her was "just breathe". It felt woefully inadequate, but she was safe, we could both breathe now. When she reached out to me, I felt the desperation in her and it only made me angrier, focused, determined - to make him pay.

The slight touch of her fingers against mine, reminding me of her tiny, tanned hands griping the steering wheel of our unmarked car or the grips of her service pistol one of the dozens of times she'd backed me up or saved my ass. Unbidden it also evoked images of her I really shouldn't have at all – Reese in that tight white tank top; me tucking a strand of that unruly cinnamon and coffee colored hair behind her ear, the gentle lines of her jaw and the shy smile that I worked so hard for.

I needed to focus on the now, not fantasies about my beautiful, tough, little partner. Focus, Charlie, focus…you got Reese out of this – now how are you going to get yourself out of it? I honestly had no plan whatsoever, not like Rayborne, not like Roman, nothing….just the overwhelming desire, the need to get her out of danger.

The kindest thing Roman Nevikov ever did for me was to punch me so hard I saw stars, well…technically, not stars…oranges or more precisely orange trees, but you get my meaning. In that moment, I no longer had the ability for advanced thought or planning. I was in the quintessential moment. Roman's gift to me. I didn't think, I just reacted.

Years of training, purchased at a high price in Crescent City got me the gift of instantaneous reflex and my reaction was to crush Roman's windpipe with a single blow to his throat. I'd like to say I did it for the pain he'd caused Reese or the worry he'd caused Tidwell or the gut wrenching fear he'd caused me. But it wasn't it was simple beautiful reflex causing a double blessing of shutting him up and wiping the grin off his face for the very last time. I must also admit it felt exquisite, cold, merciless and very un-Zen.

When the rest of the understandably relieved Russians released me and drove away, they gave me a cell phone. My first and only call was to Bodner and I told him to come back and to "bring Reese to me". Only after I hung up did I realize I had no idea what I would say to her?

In the end, Mickey Rayborn, Jack Reese, Tom Seybolt, the Bank of LA, Roman Nevikov, none of them meant anything. Understanding the conspiracy that sent me away to Pelican Bay for twelve long years meant nothing….Dani Reese meant everything. She was my whole world, more than that, she was the sun around which my whole world revolved – and she was all that in a single smile.

Rayborne's POV

I knew that Crews would find me. That kid was always such a good cop. There was a fire in his eyes there at the academy – he had a hunger and a desire to be someone, to do something. We could use a guy like that – a smart, hungry, young cop who wanted to be someone.

So we threw a couple street level grafts at him, but he didn't go for them. He was too smart to get led astray by some punk from the street. So we decided to get his buddy Tom dirtied up a bit. Crews was a good pal and he'd help his friend out. All we needed was a tiny bit of leverage, but Kyle Hollis lost his mind in that house. So much blood…. And then there was that little girl and the big fight with Jack Reese about her and what to do about her.

Reese was crazy mad about it and wanted out even though it was his damned snitch that went berserk. Jack wanted out and only threats to his wife and kid kept him in line. He ended up giving his entire cut to charity, never kept a penny, foolishness if you ask me, but then no one ever does.

Then Crews went to jail, poor kid, but he was the best suspect and we needed to deliver up someone who made sense to hide Jack's snitch and prevent the whole thing from coming unraveled. So Crews went to prison, which must have been hell for a cop, any cop, but for him it must have been doubly difficult. He didn't seem the type to take to a cage, but he survived and I'll be damned if he didn't find a way out emerging from prison tougher and smarter than ever.

Yep, I called that one right. I always knew that Charlie Crews was a good cop. What I didn't count on, what I couldn't see from the fire I saw in his eyes, was that he would end up being such a good man. I also never counted on the department partnering him with Jack's daughter. Boy, growing up she was such a tough little kid and worshiped her father. But Jack was a miserable bastard so caught up in his own drama that he ignored her. Pretty girl with huge Daddy issues, so naturally she fell into all kinds of trouble straight out of the academy….taste testing drugs turned to using, then falling for her dealer boyfriend, damn near washing out of the department. So who should they stick with Crews when the department was forced to take him back, but Jack Reese's junkie daughter. The odds, I tell you….must be astronomical. Them falling in love… shit, that number must be in the gazillions.

I guess I'm lucky that I'm cooling my heels in the LAPD pokey or headed up to County because Crews would have fed me to Roman's dogs or Roman, just to get that girl back. Geez, I mean I could have given him the world, at least a boat, taught him how to live with all that money, but all he wanted was the girl. I guess he figures fifty million is enough, but it's never enough. Truth is he could have been penniless and all he would have wanted was the girl. Like I said, the kid's a good cop, turns out he's also a good man. Good for Dani Reese, good for LAPD, but bad for us.

**Bodner's POV**

I drove as Crews went to get his partner back, but in truth I could see it was more than that. A cop - working to get his partner back works inside the system - even a system as broken as ours. Crews was something else right now, part avenging angel and part relentless demon. He was hunted by half the cops in LA and had enough money to leave Los Angeles and never look back, but none of that would dissuade Crews from getting his partner back. What drove him was beyond a need for justice or even a desire for revenge.

Even if he couldn't see it, I could, he loved that little spitfire partner of his. I'd seen her with him a couple times and she was a looker. An exotic blend of a petite build and athleticism, with coffee and cinnamon colored hair my wife would envy and the darkest brown eyes I've ever seen. She had the ability to look both innocent and soft, but don't be fooled she could flip a switch and those same soft eyes could kill. She possessed that ability to be as tough as nails and still awaken the need in a man to protect and defend her life with his. Crews was learning this part the hard way.

The problem was the young man had not yet begun to appreciate what propelled him with such force. Heck, it happens to the best of us, it's how I met my wife and we've been married twenty years. There isn't anything I won't do for my family, so I know where he's coming from. Roman used it to turn a good Bureau agent into his watchdog and enforcer, so if I had a chance to get out from under, well, that worked for me too.

When we came driving back, the look Crews gave her through the windshield could have melted ice. She hadn't said a word since I told her he had no plan beyond getting her free, but watching her look at him with awe and wonder made me realize this was a two person party and I'd better vamoose first chance I got. So when I stopped the car, I announced that I was walking to the road and calling a cab – I honestly don't think either of them heard me.

**The Part We Won't See – The Reunion**

As Bodner plodded off in search of a cab, it occurred to me again that I had no idea what I was going to say to Reese. She'd be pissed, she usually was when I pulled some hair brained stunt like climbing into Nevikov's car with no plan. But she didn't look pissed, in fact she looked kinda happy…which is totally not Reese. I began to wonder if Roman had hit her on the head, but she looked fine to me…I mean unharmed fine, not fine, fine….but actually she looked pretty nice too. And she was walking pretty deliberately toward me – maybe she was pissed after all and just hiding it until she got close enough to clock me.

The door shut and Bodner mumbled something I didn't hear because all I could hear was this crazy rushing noise in my ears and sunshine and Crews goofy smile nearly blinded me. He was unbelievable and alive, unless he was a mirage. Maybe I wanted him to be here so bad I was just imagining him here. He still hadn't spoken and Crews lacks the ability to not say something irritating, so I seriously began to wonder if there at all. I had to know if he was real. I had to touch him, hear him and feel the warmth of his body to know he was okay. I didn't mean to but I began walking toward him until I could stand in his shadow, if there was one, but with the sky high overhead, he cast no shadow. Still he said nothing, only smiled…

Shit…she is going to hit me. It's okay, I'll break off a tree branch and let her beat me over the head with it until she's tired. Just as long as she is okay, safe and mine again.

Why doesn't he say something? Crews is always saying something.


	2. Chapter 2 Everything

**Everything and Nothing…. (Part II)**

**The Part We Won't See – The Reunion**

Crews and Reese POV interspersed – _Reese in italics_

As Bodner plodded off in search of a cab, it occurred to me again that I had no idea what I was going to say to Reese. She'd be pissed - she usually was when I pulled some hair brained stunt like climbing into Nevikov's car with no plan. But she didn't look pissed. In fact she looked kinda happy…which is totally not Reese because she's usually barking at me by now. I really began to wonder if one of Roman's goons hit her on the head, but she looked fine to me…I mean unharmed fine, not "fine" fine….but actually she looked pretty nice too. And she was walking pretty deliberately toward me – maybe she was pissed after all and just hiding it until she got close enough.

_The door shut and Bodner mumbled something I didn't hear because all I could hear was this crazy rushing noise in my ears. Sunshine and Crews' goofy smile were nearly blinding me, but there he was...unbelievable and alive, unless he was a mirage. Or maybe I just wanted him to be here so bad - I was just imagining him here. He still hadn't spoken and Crews lacks the ability to not say something irritating, so I seriously began to wonder if he was there at all. I had to know if he was real. I had to touch him, hear him and feel the warmth of his body to know he was okay. _

_I really didn't mean to but I began walking toward him until I could stand in his shadow, if there was one - but with the sky high overhead, he cast no shadow. Still Crews said nothing, only smiled…_

Shit…she is going to hit me. It's okay. I'll break off a tree branch and let her beat me over the head with it until she's tired. Just as long as she is okay, safe and mine again.

_Why doesn't he say something? Crews is always saying something. Possessed with no more impulse than to know I was not dreaming – I reached out. Big mistake. The moment I laid my hand on his chest the air around us changed, shimmered and he looked down at me with look I'd never seen before. It was flattering and maybe I mistook it for something it wasn't until…. he licked his lips. He looked at me like a man looks at a woman – desire – I knew that look. _

_I was queen of the live in the "now". I did it every Friday night until I was partnered with Crews. The stability of our partnership gave me the base I needed to get past that. But once again desire was looking me dead in the face and I had to hide from it. It was everything, all at once, and almost too much._

"Give me a look I know, Reese - you're starting to scare me here" I thought. I was still trying to figure out if she was hurt, when Dani Reese reached out and gently placed her right hand on my chest, right in the middle – over my heart. It was so not a Reese touch, it was not a shove or a elbow, it was a gentle pleading kind of touch that made me want to wrap my arms around her and hold her until the sky turned dark and the stars came out, just to feel her breathe. I looked down to where our bodies were connected and felt all of a sudden like I couldn't breathe, my chest burned…ached is more the right word for it. But it wasn't a painful kind of ache. It was a happy kind of ache.

But she still wouldn't look at me. So close…it really wasn't my fault that my right hand all of it's own accord reached out blindly grasping. I knew I couldn't touch her – I really shouldn't touch her. She's always telling me not to touch stuff. My hand found hers and our fingers meshed – heat transferring from my hand to hers. And the temperature right there that orange grove of mine dropped into the danger range for fruit – cause low temps are bad for fruit. The air stilled and I really began to consider I was having a stroke. I saw bright white light like the sun only not like the sun at all… a cool pleasant white light that took my breath away. This time she simply breathed my name again, leaned forwarded and buried her head in my chest.

_I can't believe I touched him again. Jesus, he must think I'm a lunatic. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, to look him in the eyes - for fear of what I might see there. But I honestly felt like I might fall over and he was so close, so strong, so stable, so right. I was only inches away from that strength, safety, "Crews" I breathed again. I lowered my chin and put my head on his chest and exhaled. _

_When I inhaled again his arms were around me. He stroked my hair and pulled me close to him. All the fear and anguish of my time with Roman, what he said about my father…and him being dead…it all came out in a choked sob. I am not a crier, but Crews gave me the safety to be vulnerable. I knew he would never judge me, never ever use it against me and with two tiny steps and I was pulled right into the warmth of this embrace. I gave myself over to the feeling he gave me (although I wasn't exactly sure what it was just yet). My arms wound around his back, my hands sliding up his strong back muscles. He was all around me, he was….just so right. _

I had a fleeting thought that I shouldn't, but when Reese wrapped her arms around my back, under my suit coat, well….thinking just went right out the proverbial window. One plus one equals one. I was just being in the now and the now was Reese. She was right, here, now. My hands stroked her back, smoothed her hair…I thought of all the pretty women since prison – the Tina's and Gina's and how they didn't compare to the feel of simply holding Dani Reese in my arms.

Reese was crying, not sobbing, now wailing, but for Reese it was crying. Her small frame shook just once and she stilled just as quickly, but I knew she was crying. I whispered into her hair "shhh, it's okay". Just when I thought I knew her, she'd turn a half a degree and show me a whole new look. Like a diamond… she sparkled in every single direction, light bent around her and she shone in all the colors of the rainbow. Reese constantly surprised me. She was so strong, so tough and so gentle and fragile. The fact that she trusted me with her vulnerability twice now made me feel special, strong, powerful, knowing. I had to protect her – always. No one would ever hurt her again.

"_Crews why would you do that?" Finally the question came. "Why would you get into that car without a plan?" I needed to know if he felt it as intensely as I did. I needed him to tell me what I already knew. _

I was relieved when she finally asked it. "You know why", I told her. And she did – we both did. Neither of us meant for it to be. It was relief, it was happiness, it wasn't sexual – and then it was. Powerful, sexual and inescapable – we both knew it.

"_Crews…." I warned. He was answering a question with a question. So Zen…. so damned Crews. "Charlie, please…" and looked at him – really looked at him as if I could see into his soul._

All that time, all that Zen, all that distance and she still got in - inside all the walls I built to protect myself from ever being hurt, disappointed or let down again. Sure I was cheerful and she was surly, but the pain, the betrayal, the disappointment was still the same. Everyone we'd ever trusted let us both down, left us when we needed them most, betrayed our trust, faith and confidence. She was there – inside my head, my heart and she did it a look – and I was powerless – I didn't even want to fight it.

My voice lowered an octave and I looked at her, really looked at her… "because Reese, one plus one equals one". I ran my fingers along the line of her jaw and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. I was just looking at her, her fine features, her smooth skin, her beautiful lips and those deep, dark eyes and then I was kissing her. It was exquisite and then it was over.

_One plus one equals one, he said. What the hell did that mean? Why was he so close? What was he doing inside her closely constructed defenses? He was so… just so damned Crews…when what she really needed was Charlie. Where was Charlie Crews? So she asked for him, not Crews, but "Charlie". That seemed to break his defenses down, his eyes darkened to a smokey pewter blue and then fired again icy and cool. The fingers he was trailing along her jaw were on fire. There he was, not the scarred convict, not quite the true blue cop, but Crews, her Crews - the man she could count on, rely upon, trust, love…… Then he bent close and blocking out the bright sun, showing his face in shadow. His eyes smiled and he paused a second before lightly touching her lips._

The sensation of kissing Reese was something I could not begin to imagine, nor hope to describe. I wanted it to last forever, but I knew half the department was looking for us. It had to end, but those few moments I could see our future. Now I don't believe in the future, just the now, even Reese knows that I don't believe in the future. But I could see Dani Reese in my bed, in my arms, in my dreams… I saw my mansion full of love and laughter. I saw two little dark haired girls with their mother's good looks and troublesome nature, giggling in the pool and dressed in uniforms for school. I saw me holding Dani in front of a fireplace we didn't need but wanted anyway and I saw her smiling, always smiling. I could make her happy and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life doing just that. She made me want to believe in a future – with her.

_I was kissing Crews or he was kissing me. I was lightheaded and no longer sure where he started and where I ended. What started as a light brush of his lips against mine, became a returned gesture and his tongue carved it's way against my lips. I welcomed the deepening contact and in an instant what started out as a nice light kiss had become an insatiable need to devour him. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to kiss anyone else. Crews was consuming my breathe and I his. He was everywhere and my head was full of blinding light. Then suddenly we weren't kissing – his forehead rested against mine and he was talking about leaving._

"We have to go" I heard myself saying. I couldn't remember when or how I was able to stop kissing Reese, but I knew that an orange grove was not the right place for us to…do what ever it was we were doing….whatever that was. She was Tidwell's girl, and Tidwell was the Captain and I couldn't figure out how that would work, since I was pretty sure no man would ever touch her but me again. First thing I had to do was get her out of this orange grove.

I led her to the car and once she was safely inside, I walked around to the driver's side and steered us home. It was weird me driving and Reese riding, but I reached across the divide to hold her hand and she just smiled. There was no talking, no need for it, we just rode in silence until we arrived at my great big empty house. I walked her into the house, past Ted's note in the fruit bowl and led her quietly up the stairs.

_I don't know why we didn't talk or why I let Crews drive because he never drives. But as he pulled me out of the car in front of his mansion I remember thinking how tired I was and how good it felt to be home. Funny, huh? Crews' great big house felt like home to me, weird, but that's how it felt. He led me up the stairs and my hand felt so small in his. I remember thinking how warm it was and how sunny in Crews' bedroom. He sat me on the edge of his giant bed and knelt beside me, slowly taking off my boots and jacket. I remember him saying "you need to rest" and standing me up. He quietly said "take your clothes off", which normally would have gotten him in big trouble with me, but strangely provoked no reaction beyond compliance. _

_Crews took off his jacket and his tie, before removing his expensive baby blue shirt and holding it out to me. I stepped into his embrace and put it on while he held me against his chest, reached around front and buttoned up the shirt and then turned me around rolled up the sleeves for me. I was now facing him, dressed only in his shirt and he stood in front of me in socks, pants and a white t-shirt. It should have been a prelude to sex, for me it normally was. But with Crews it was different, he was always different. He just wanted to hold me, protect me, care for me. We both knew that a bridge was crossed in that orange grove and our time together would come, but it would not be this day. _

I was not going to take advantage of her. God knows what she'd been through with that animal Roman over the last week. I had questions about what he'd done to her that I still couldn't bring myself to ask, but desperately wanted to know the answers to. She seems so fragile, very unlike herself, and the way she looked at me – made me want to be deserving of her trust. I pulled the coverlet over her and noticed the way her dark hair covered my pillow. She sighed and I was about to leave when - for the third time that day Dani Reese reached for me.

"_Come to bed Crews" my voice said the words, but I have no memory of actually formulating the thought. I just didn't want him to leave, not now, not ever. I hated feeling needy, but I was no longer able to deny that I needed Charlie Crews. He hesitated and then leaned over to brush hair from my face. His fingers trailed once again along my jaw and fire ignited there and in his eyes. "Dani" he said breathlessly, like he was going walk away and then changed his mind, stood up dropped his trousers, climbed into bed beside me and gathered me to his chest, cradling me like I was breakable. It was the most natural thing in the world to be held by Charlie Crews, like being home… _

"_Socks" I remember saying as my legs tangled with his…."I can't sleep with a man wearing socks" and he chuckled a laugh that sounded from deep in his chest and then used his toes to shuck them off to somewhere my shorter legs couldn't reach. I settled into his embrace and felt warm and safe for the first time - since I walked away from him at that day at the crime scene to go take a shot at the FBI. How stupid I had been to think that the FBI held any answers for either of us. _

_I remember once again placing my head against Crews chest and listening to his heartbeat as his arms wrapped me up tightly in his warm embrace. The last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep was Charlie's deep sigh as he dropped a kiss into my hair and finally admitted something we both knew "I love you Reese." We both smiled and fell into a deep sleep._

I watched her as she slept wrapped in expensive, elegant, high thread count Italian bed linens and my arms. Tomorrow, maybe even later today, there would people to deal with – they would eventually think to look for us here. Then all the questions, and Tidwell – what would she choose, but for now she was safe and mine and now is really all we have. I breathed in and all I could smell was Reese. I probably wanted her more than any woman I'd ever met or imagined, but with luck that would come later. Sleeping she was so serene, calm, at peace…like the earth seen from above. She was the whole world that I could hold. She was everything.


	3. Chapter 3 Attachment

_Attachment is the cause of suffering. When you let go, when you detach, you have everything. Being aware, being in the moment, being present to experience things as they are, lead to peace and joy. – From online blog at _

Charlie was desperately trying to let go of Reese. He just needed more time. He stood in the large window of his bedroom looking down at the city full of lights. LA at night, the city was alive, so many people – we are none of us alone. If that was true, why did he feel so incredibly isolated?

He looked back at the sleeping figure in his bed. His partner, Dani Reese, lay very still, but he could tell she was also awake. She was so much a mystery to him and yet he could feel her wakefulness in the darkness of the room. He was tuned into her on a level that defied description. Could he walk away from that connection, after twelve years of isolation from everyone and everything?

Dani for her part laid very still - in deep thought. So much had changed in the past several hours. She needed to call Tidwell and tell him that she was okay, but that would bring with it all the questions and issues she just wasn't ready to deal with. The department would want to debrief them both and though it was never discussed, Dani could tell Crews was in trouble with LAPD (again) – this time over her.

Neither of them were ready for other people's questions at this point. That wasn't the problem. The real problem was neither of them were ready for their own questions - or the ones present in each other's eyes. So in the dark they remained. Separate but together, apart but not alone. _It is all connected_ she thought.

Charlie was turning the problem over in his head. He was attached to Reese. He needed to let go of her. But he had just worked so hard to get her back. Why? Did he do it for Tidwell? Did he do it for Reese? Or did he do it for himself?

He wanted to protect her, but he was what placed her in danger in the first place. His connection to her was what caused Roman to target her. He needed to let go – attachment causes suffering. But… Charlie did not want to let go of Reese.

Dani Reese knew the world would not wait for her to be ready to "deal". She'd been through this before. After the drugs, after the rehab, it all came too soon, before she was ready, but ready or not ….it still came. This moment was almost over – she was already thinking about where she was going next. But there was something she needed to do first….

Pulling back the sheets, she swung her legs from the bed and walked quietly on bare feet to Crews' side at the window. She stood next to him, not touching, but close enough to feel his body heat and hear him breathing. Nothing was said between them for several minutes, but it seemed longer.

"Crews" she began…

"Don't" he warned. This time their patterns were reversed. Crews was now quiet, sullen and withdrawn; Reese was happy to be alive, safe and present in the now. It made them both uncertain, like waking up in someone else's skin. Both were thinking about where they were going next – neither able to stay in this moment.

Crews turned to go and she stopped him. "Wait" she said, catching his arm, "I'm not ready to go back there yet" she admitted.

"We have to go. People will be looking for you" he said sadly. "People will be looking for me too, but not for the same reason" he said as an afterthought.

"I know" she said quietly. "Just…be here now. Stay with me for a moment, Crews" as a teasing tone crept into her voice. She was trying to lighten his mood, but also jealously guarding this bubble of time they were alone in - together.

"I can't stay here – in this moment, Reese. It's too hard." – An absolute truth, Crews admitted. It was heartbreaking.

"What's too hard, Crews?" She softly questioned.

"Letting go. Letting - you - go." Crews confessed.

"Oh" was all Dani could summon in response. "I thought… you seemed…we could…." She couldn't seem to finish the thought.

"We could what… Reese" Charlie said angrily. "You have Tidwell and there's work and the FBI" he rapidly responded harsher than he meant to. "I have to let you go." He sighed looking up again, like he could find the sun in the night sky.

"What about one plus one equals one Crews? It wasn't Tidwell you were talking about was it?" Reese continued to probe uncomfortably close to Crews barriers.

He sighed heavily. "Maybe…no… it wasn't Tidwell" he admitted. "It was you and me, Reese. But there can't be a you and me, it's too dangerous" he was glad to have it said. It seemed more real now that he spoke it out loud. No matter how painful this would be it was necessary to protect Reese.

There was a long period of silence between them. The silence stretching between them like a taut wire; Reese becoming angrier by the moment, bit her lip and finally began again. "So that's it. You decide it's too dangerous for me and now we aren't partners anymore? That how it works Crews?"

"Yeah" he breathed. "That's how it is."

"Roman says he killed my father" she countered tears biting at the corners of her vision. "We have to find out what happened, Crews. You and I both need to know why." She continued.

"No, Reese, that's not something you need to be involved in. It's too dangerous." Crews cautioned. "As long as you are connected to me, you will be a target and I can't protect you" he paused a beat "…and that is as dangerous for me as it is for you."

Again silence answered him for several long seconds. Crews could feel the heat radiating off Reese in waves. _That's good_ Crews thought, _anger is helpful to me now. Angry is good. It'll make her walk away clean and she'll be safe with Tidwell - safe and away from me. _

"You are not leaving me, Crews. And I am not leaving you. We are partners and partners don't leave each other hanging Crews. You didn't leave Stark. You didn't leave Tom Seybolt and you are not leaving me." She stated emphatically, leaving no room for argument. This was the Dani Reese who didn't take crap from him and she wasn't going to let him walk away, not without a fight.

Something inside Crews snapped when he realized she was not going to willingly leave. He became angry himself, elevating his voice a notch "I can't have what happened with Roman – happen to you again. I won't let that happen again. And if that means that we split up, then we split up. It's important that you are safe. It's important to your mom, to Tidwell – and it's important to me." Crews argued. He knew what he had to do and she wasn't going to dissuade him.

"Then don't let it happen again Crews. But this happened because we weren't together, because I left. Because I let them try to turn me against you."

"Do you know what the FBI wanted from me Crews? They wanted me to spy on you. They wanted me to come back to LAPD and collect information on you. " She was really and truly pissed now. Her eyes were nearly black, her face flushed and alive with energy. She stood on the balls of her feet with her fists clenched prepared for a fight. _She was absolutely beautiful_ Crews thought.

"Is that why you were on Rayborne's boat?" Crews countered his eyes glittering.

"I was trying to find my father." She barked back. "A father Roman told me he killed. She paused…."My mother hasn't been well, she's worried about him."

"And now… she's worried about you" Crews reminded her of the recent danger.

"You bastard" she swore at him. "You make me trust you…rely on you….care about you and then you just walk away?"

"I never took you for a coward Crews. Is that what's going on here?"

"You afraid Crews? Life is pretty nice and neat behind all that Zen isn't it?" She was bristling with anger, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Dani…please" Crews voice broke softly. "I can't take loosing you and if that means pushing you away to protect you, to save you, even if you hate me for it – it's worth it."

"That is not your call. My father brought me into this…. Or I came in myself, but I'm here now and so help me god I am not going to stop. Fine, walk way. Hide, but I'm not going to stop looking for answers Crews – I will find my father, alive or dead, with or without your help" she said firmly.

The fire in her eyes was banked but not extinguished. "Run away if you have to, but don't fool yourself – you aren't protecting me – you are protecting yourself, Crews." She finished and turned to leave.

"Wait…" Crews voice held her in the room as surely as if his arms encircled her.

"I'll help you find your father." He said. Unwilling to commit to anything further, he stopped there. She turned slowly meeting his eyes. They were both angry. Their anger arose out of fear – fear of each other, fear for each other, fear of themselves and the powerful feeling that tied them together.

Beneath the fear was something else – something strong and sure, a feeling that neither was willing to put a name to yet and a belief that they were stronger and safer together than they would ever be apart, independent, separate, alone.

"And when that's done, what then Crews?" Dani asked softly, her voice was full of hope. Crews was not used to someone close relying on him.

"Let's just stick with the now - for now, okay?" He said hoping for a truce.

He watched as her shoulders relaxed a tiny measure and she backed slightly off her fighting stance. Her fingers uncurled and she breathed a tiny sigh invisible to anyone else, but which spoke volumes to Crews. She searched his face for answers he wasn't ready to give yet.

He looked down to avoid her eyes which were still searching his for a commitment and found himself looking at her very shapely legs, tanned beneath his pale blue shirt. His mind wandered to the lavender panties he'd given her at Christmas. He'd picked them for the way the pale pastel looked against her tanned skin. That was before she and Tidwell were a "thing", _back when you hoped maybe you and she could be a thing,_ his subconscious taunted him.

This internal dialogue (which for once he actually kept to himself) and admiring those pretty legs cost him a little more time than he anticipated. More time than he should have spent and that's what got him caught.

Dani Reese was used to men looking at her. She just wasn't used to Charlie Crews looking at her. She knew when a man wanted her. And Charlie Crews was lost in his hunger at the moment. "Are you looking at my legs Crews?" Reese asked with a touch of amusement in her voice.

His head snapped up with so much force he could have injured himself. She smiled knowing he'd been caught and had absolutely no response for the moment. She stepped closer, under his chin and took his hand gently placing it on her chest over her heart. "Do you want to touch me Crews?"

"What…uh… no?" he stammered. "I just…um"

She raised up on her toes and ran both hands up his chest and felt the heat from his hand increase. "You just what Charlie?" she said coyly.

His hand moved of its own accord, he remembered thinking. _This is not going to help things_, he thought while his right hand moved to her neck and his thumb brushed along her jaw lifting her face toward his. Their eyes met and there was unmistakable desire in both. "Dani…I don't want to hurt you" he murmured. "This is a bad idea. Dangerous and not very smart" he continued trying to talk himself out of what he wanted.

_This is not pushing her away_, he thought, _this is closer than we've ever been._ "We can't…" he continued, as his breath caressed hers with his head bent low. His eyes were nearly closed as he felt her breath catch in anticipation of his kiss.

She closed the distance while he continued to try to voice the reasons why this was a bad idea. Those reasons fled his mind in a whirlwind as her lips made contact with his and electricity sizzled between them. His right hand tightened around the back of her neck drawing her closer. His left hand slide up her thigh, under his blue shirt, over her hip and into the small of her back, drawing her impossibly close to him, molding her to his body.

_This was beyond dangerous, it was insane_ and _she was driving him crazy_, he thought. _She's just so sweet_, he remembered she tasted better than figs, which are the sweetest fruit there is. Reese slid her hands around his neck and pulled him down to her, drinking in his tongue and breath. Then he couldn't remember to think anymore. She invaded his mind and his heart. He knew nothing but Reese.

Reese knew all the arguments. He was too old for her. He was an ex-con. He was fractured, flawed and sometimes inaccessible behind his Zen, but to her he was broken in all the right places. She was tired of hiding from her future, tired of settling for comfortable and nice, when she could be on fire and alive. Crews made her feel for the first time in years. Not just from the anticipation of the sex, which she was certain would be very, very good; but he made her feel safe, protected, valued and cherished. Having Charlie Crews full attention was like being naked in front of a roaring fire. It was a warmth and a heat she craved.

_I am not attached to this woman_, he repeated to himself. _I am not attached to Dani Reese…_ Who was he kidding? She wasn't a car or a gun. She was real, here, now in his arms. He was attached to her and it wasn't causing him suffering – it was joy, it was rapture, it was love.


End file.
